"I will bless you and make you a joyful mother of children!"
Praise God, he has done just that. After being told a month prior to my marriage that I probably would be barren due to poly-cystic ovarian disorder and endometriosis I bawled. My then fiance and I had spent years talking about the children we wanted and hoped to have one day. We spent more time talking about kids than we spent talking about being married. He held me that day after my appointment as I cried. He would hold me crying many many more times.
After 2 years of trying to conceive and being utterly heart broken every time I got my period, we finally conceived. Oh we were ecstatic. My darling husband swept me off my feet and twirled me around our little dinning room when I told him. Our first ultra-sound we saw what looked like a tiny black hole. Our second ultra-sound we saw our babies heart flickering. It was the most amazing thing to watch this tiny heart fluttering so fast. We held hands and were overcome with joy. At that moment we both were positive this baby was a boy and we decided his name would be Asher. As we were blessed to finally conceive. Only a few days after that ultra-sound I began spotting and within a week I miscarried our son. It was the most devastating experience I ever had. It tore my foundation right out from under me. I became angry with God and a wedge formed between my husband and myself as we grieved.
God brought me out of that dark place. Then a month after my due date I found out I was pregnant again. The minute I told my husband he was elated. I was more reserved. I was fearful and didn't want to go through another loss. He told me he was sure it was a girl. We went in for an ultra-sound and saw that beautiful sign of life and watched her heart strongly beating. I was throwing up and kept praising God with each run to the toliet, as that was supposed to be a good sign. The doctors wanted to monitor us a little more closely this time and we went in for another ultra-sound to see that her tiny heart had stopped beating. Although darkness overwhelmed my heart with grief, though my arms ached to hold our child, I declared I would not let go of my God or my faith. Thus we named her Faith.
After loosing her, the doctors performed many tests. Through the tests they confirmed that she was a girl and told us the reason she died was because she had trisomy 13. An extra 13th chromosome. They explained that because of that extra chromosome she had severe heart and brain abnormalities. My only peace was knowing that in heaven with our Lord she is perfect and whole and that one day I will hold her.
We then went through more genetic testing at which point I was told that I was a carrier. That the reason we'd lost both our children was that I had a rare disorder, called a Robersonian Translocation. My 13th and 14th chromosomes were fused together and therefore my chances of ever having a healthy baby were close to zero. They said it was less than 17% chance of ever having a child. Then the doctor said that we could opt for Selective Invetro Fertilization. When I asked what he meant, he explained they would make dozens of embryos and screen them and then only implant the ones without defects. I was horrified. There was no way I would do that. I told him no we would adopt.
That news scared me. I couldn't be intimate with my husband without being fearful that I'd get pregnant and then we'd loose the baby. I had nightmares and at the same time my body ached as I saw so many mothers, so many pregnant women I wanted that so badly. Friends and pastors told us we would have healthy children. People started telling me their dreams of us having children. The message kept coming that we would have children. I was scared and didn't know what to make of these people's well wishes.
Then our pastor very clearly told us that the Lord had shared with him a message for us, "The fruit of your womb will be your reward, you will be a joyful mother of children." Even with that I thought, oh that's nice, but obviously that's not from my womb. Then one beautiful morning I went to a women's prayer breakfast. I must tell you I was in a bad mood on the way there. I was angry that people kept saying things like, "Oh you'll have a baby, don't worry." I started praying on the way there, it went something like this..."Okay God, if you are trying to tell me that I'm going to have a healthy baby, that I'm not going to miscarry, that I shouldn't be fearful to be with my husband, if this is from you God then you gotta have someone come to me who doesn't know me, who isn't saying this stuff out of sympathy, some one completely new needs to come and they need to tell me that I've been healed." So I got to the prayer breakfast and a speaker got up and was talking, and then she started to talk about healing and God's healing power. She began to quote scriptures on healing and pray. As she prayed I felt a warmth cover my womb. When the prayer breakfast was over the woman came up to me...(I'd never met her before, she didn't know me...) and she said, "this may sound strange but I have a word for you. God is healing you and you are going to have healthy children, do you know what I'm talking about. " I started to cry. God had heard my cry for a sign, just as he had heard Gideon and Hannah and so many others. He heard me.
Shortly after I conceived our first born child. She is most definitely a miracle, yet my pregnancy and delivery were awful! I threw up every day my entire pregnancy from day one to delivery day. I was hospitalized early on as I couldn't keep anything down and was dehydrated. Then at 24 weeks gestation my cervix was gone, and I had no fluid. I was kept for 10 weeks in the hospital on total bed rest. She was born 5 lbs even at 34 weeks gestation via c-section, her lungs were fully developed and she was fine. Although she underwent a horrid 11 days in the NICU with much poking, prodding and unnecessary procedures occurring, (I wasn't a natural momma then), she was fine! What an amazing miracle she is.
Since her birth we've had two more miracle babies and one more baby enter heaven before earth. I am definitely a joyful mother of children. I praise God for what he has done, for HE is good! Each day I learn so much from my blessings. I hope to share our adventures with you here.
